Bystanders Chose Themselves. Now, Choose You.
Bystanders often get a pass when it comes to blame in bully culture. They are usually seen as neutral, as though they exist outside of the bullying—detached, uninvolved, and harmless. But they are not. Their silence is a choice, and it benefits someone. It may protect their career, their image, or their position within the hierarchy, but make no mistake—it is an active decision, not an accident.
(We talk about this in depth in the latest episode of Exposing Workplace Bullying, “The Myth of Neutrality.” Listen HERE!)
The Hardest Truth to Swallow
Let's be clear: they are not coming to save you. Bystanders aren’t confused or unaware. They are making a deliberate calculation about what will serve them best. They know the risk of challenging a bully, and they choose self-preservation. That realization is difficult to accept because it exposes how deeply rooted bully culture is—it rewards complicity and punishes courage.
I remember realizing that there were people in my workplace who watched what was happening to me and did nothing. They saw the meetings, the exclusion, the undermining, and they said nothing because it was safer to stay aligned with power. That kind of betrayal doesn’t just hurt—it changes how you see people. You stop trusting anyone at work, sometimes even yourself.
It’s Not About You
But one of the most critical things I've learned is this: Their choice is not a reflection of my worth. It is a reflection of their character and a symptom of a corrupt system that enables abuse.
You are not being sidelined because you are lacking; you are being sidelined because others are self-serving. Their behavior says everything about who they are—and nothing about your value or integrity.
When you stop internalizing their choices as a sign of your inadequacy, you take your power back. You stop waiting for validation from people who have already chosen to abandon truth for convenience.
Let's be blunt: Their inaction is a sign of weakness, not of your unworthiness.
Releasing the Need for Their Support
Bystanders don’t need your energy. They are not victims of confusion. They are adults making calculated, strategic decisions about what’s safest for them. Releasing the burden of trying to “make them see” frees you from the emotional labor of convincing people who don’t want to be convinced or make them understand your pain is a radical act of self-preservation. It frees up your energy. They have chosen a side.
Your power now lies in accepting their choice—and making your own.
Your New Foundation: Your Truth
Once you accept that their inaction is deliberate, the goal shifts. It’s no longer about winning their help or changing their minds.
The goal becomes solidifying your own truth and standing firmly in it. You know what is happening. You know what’s real. Even if others deny or distort it, your reality remains intact. That certainty is your foundation—it’s what steadies you when the rest of the environment feels hostile.
Where Your Power Lives Now
Facing this reality requires incredible strength. The fact that you are seeking understanding, learning, and reflecting shows your resilience. You are standing up for truth, even when it feels like you are standing alone. In this community, we see you, we believe you, and we are walking this path together—refusing to let silence win.
If you need to talk through your specific situation with someone who gets it, I offer Real Talk Strategy Calls. Book HERE
