The Top 3 Things People Say About Workplace Bullying That Chap My A$$

Let’s talk about the stuff people say about workplace bullying that sounds helpful—but actually makes things worse. These takes might be popular, but they completely miss the point, and they put the burden right back on the person being harmed.

And frankly, every time I see them repeated—and a huge list of people agreeing—I tend to lose my marbles. Because they’re perpetuating false narratives about workplace bullying.

Oh, just like the bully did to me. (Sorry, I digress.)

Here are the top three that chap my ass:

1. “You’re being bullied because you spoke up.”

Nope. That’s not how this works.

Most of us speak up after the bullying has already started—not before. If someone’s reporting a colleague, it’s probably because they’ve been dealing with harmful behavior for a while. That’s just logic.

And in plenty of cases—including my own—you don’t even have to speak up. You just walk in, and it’s already happening.

I had people warn me about the culture before I took the job. I even asked the dean directly, and was told, “We got rid of that person.” As if that solved the problem. Later, after I was bullied and I said something to that same dean, he told me, “During times like that, get out your phone and play a game.”

So you see...

The bullying didn’t start because of me.
It started because the culture made it possible.
I walked into it—and I was abused.
It had nothing to do with me.

I didn’t read the fine print on my contract that said: “Looking for a new person to be bullied.”

2. “Just document everything. Or ignore it.”

This one makes me want to scream.

Documenting can be powerful—but only if you know how to do it and what to do with it. Just saying “document” isn’t helpful. It’s not a strategy. It’s a shrug. It’s a blow-off to get me out of your office so you can say you gave me advice. It’s a move to alleviate your guilt—not to actually help me.

And ignoring it? Sure, that might work when it’s one person and a one-time thing. But when you’re dealing with a bully—or a full-blown bully culture—and it’s being tolerated or even protected? Ignoring it won’t stop anything.

And when your colleagues start joining in for fun?
Yeah, no. That advice becomes dangerous.
It becomes self-abuse.

Documenting it all by yourself won’t stop it either—not when the system is built to protect the bully. Especially when bystanders have myside bias and go along to get along.

What people need are tools—real tools—to know how to document and how to use it as a protective resource.

And leaders? Leaders need a protocol for documenting so they actually know what to tell people like me.

Not a pat on the head.
Not “keep a notebook.”
A real system.

3. “It’s an interpersonal conflict.”

This one’s sneaky.

Most people don’t say the words “interpersonal conflict” out loud—but the definitions they use? The way they frame it as one person targeting another? It still blames the person being harmed.

(And don’t get me started on the word target.)

When you frame workplace abuse as conflict, you’re saying both people are at fault. That the issue is a clash of personalities or a breakdown in communication.

But here’s the truth:

This isn’t a conflict. This is abuse.
Abuse that causes workplace trauma and lifelong harm.

It’s not that we can’t get along.
It’s that someone is harming me—and the system is letting them.
Sometimes even rewarding them, with bystanders cheering them on.

Calling it “interpersonal” lets the bully off the hook and quietly tells the person being harmed that they’re the problem.

It’s insulting. And it’s wrong.

Let’s be real.

All of these takes do the same thing:

They hand the responsibility back to the person being harmed.
They minimize the harm.
They excuse the culture.
They victim blame.

And they say, “It’s up to you to fix this.”

No. It’s not.

It’s up to the organization.
It’s up to leadership.

As the one being harmed, can I help? Sure. But you have to do the heavy lifting.

Let’s stop pretending workplace bullying is a personal issue.

It’s a cultural issue.
A structural issue.
A leadership issue.

And we won’t fix it by pretending otherwise.